Preloved

2012-02-09T13:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really don't know why I'm so pessimistic.
When is the last time you feel like dying when you don't see someone for more than 24 hours?

Guys at this age will never want to settle down.
Happened that the staff from Bintan is here, so we had lunch and talked about marriage.
Seems like when u reach late 20s, you will start to think about settling down with the right one.

But still, they say stupid things about their wives behind their backs. I hate men.
Why are they all like that?

You are right, I'm scared. I'm scared because it's a love hate relationship.
I'm scared because all men I've ever seen, are like that.
Im scared to be emotionally hurt all the time.

I think it's PMS. Really haven't been in high spirits these days.

2012-02-07T19:29:00.000+08:00

So what if I'm insecure?
Nobody needs to know.
Nobody needs to understand. :)

2012-02-07T09:19:00.000+08:00

我只是想要简单的过生活。
真心地对待所有人。

2012-02-06T20:40:00.000+08:00

刚放工。好累啊。
我每天这么拼，真不懂自己在拼什么。

未来，我有吗？
幸福，会有我的份吗？
可能自己过元宵的感觉会比较孤单，比较多感触而已吧。
掉掉眼泪就会没事的。现在的我，已不可能在渴望什么了。

也许我还不习惯吧，但我必须习惯。
如果我有一天死了，有人会记得我吗？
会偶尔想起我吗？

2012-02-06T16:28:00.003+08:00

I don't feel like going home today. Just want to keep working so that I wouldn't think too much. Not good for me.

2012-02-03T07:50:00.000+08:00

I like to play 1 minute games. Not because it is exactly fun or addictive, but I get to spend one more minute with you.

2012-02-02T19:52:00.000+08:00

RIP uncle. Death is just a part of life. You will be missed.

Finally nearing the end of the week. I'm so tired...

2012-02-01T11:37:00.001+08:00

When u want to burst into tears at work, you know something is not right.

2012-02-01T10:50:00.000+08:00

I really want to quit my job.
It's all wrong.

2012-01-31T20:01:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting aimlessly for my sis. Is she ever going to come? Swimming pools don't open 24 hrs u know?

2012-01-30T08:44:00.000+08:00

其实我也有一点上瘾。

幸福的感觉。

2012-01-29T19:35:00.000+08:00

I will not be sticky anymore. Let me go. Let me get out of this place.

Tears are trash.

2012-01-29T19:21:00.002+08:00

I knew it. I'm too sticky. I want to disappear. I want to go home now.
I not

2012-01-28T22:22:00.000+08:00

While I'm very certain that he is the right one, I'm not sure if I did the right thing to the one I ditch. I felt guilt when I saw him today; thin, restless and bitter. He really had done nothing to deserve this. I felt so bad. I really did. He asked me earlier this week if I wanna go Ktv aft exam today; I didn't want to say no straight, so I gave some lame, half fucked replies. Im sure he got it, that's why he didn't ask today.

Although I want to go Ktv, I don't want to do anything that can possibly upset my love or the balance of the fragile relationship now. I mean, we are like together together, but we are somewhat together but no status, erm, no.. More like no commitment... Ok, it's complicated. *sigh* let's just say I'm single but currently unavailable. Dragon year doesnt seem like a good year for us, so it is important to tread carefully round the waters.

Sigh, it's a terrible mood to be in right after exams. Think I should be able to pass this paper, a lot of bullsh*tting involved. One more semester to go! I wonder how can I get by the next term of classes without feeling all these guilt? Haiz. Going home to drink it off on my own.

Year after year, it's always the first quarter of the year that really sucked ttm, very poor from mum's, pei and xr's bday, senseless and draining CNY, overcommercialised valentines day, and the most dreadful birthday. I remembered I was in BKK last year for my bday, and everyday is just quarrels.

I want to get myself a keyboard for my bday. But I 不捨得.. And if I want to indulge in myself, that means I have to sacrifice half of his bday present. Love, is selfish or selfless?

2012-01-28T12:32:00.003+08:00

Seriously, I sleep like a baby no matter what I drink.
It sucks to be him.

I need to learn to love myself.

Exam Day!

2012-01-28T11:46:00.000+08:00

Exam Day! Totally not in the mood. Was moody all night.
Maybe I really think too much.
But I thought that's what most women do?

Haix, Im so lost because I really dont know what to do when I'm alone. :(

Study time. Let's not think of anything else for the next 2 hours at least.

2012-01-27T16:51:00.000+08:00

Ok, kena found out I'm not really studying. :X

Distracted to change blog skin, after all I've been on the last one for the last 53497314 years.

Will brb to continue with the new layout after... one hour! hehe. Shhh.

2012-01-26T16:51:00.000+08:00

忽冷忽热能耐多久？

2012-01-26T16:20:00.000+08:00

Cold. :( qsb.

2012-01-26T09:20:00.000+08:00

Yea, on leave tmr!

I wonder if I can meet him tonight or tmr since I have tmr and sat to study..

He's damn sweet to wake me up at 630 like this twice in a row I think.

Its like starting my day right lidat. He's not even working and all. <3

Or issit he go play until 6? *narrow eyes* hahaha. Dun think too much la. Crazy girl.

Hmm. Anyway, I'm finally not lazy enough to bring the 姜母茶 to work.

One cube can make 3 cups loh!!! Cannot finish alone!

There's no need to go salsa nite cos lin's plan kena sexposed. Lol

I'm not even that keen anyway if u ask me.

What's that fuss with the angmos Anw?

I'm really dying for steamboat and Ktv alr. Exam faster finish na~~~~~~

2012-01-25T19:11:00.001+08:00

Otw home from work. Ok, I desperately need to run. Say no to being round!

Don't know when he will run away, so I'm not going to take it for granted!

Think I will go for a run before studying.

The question is, can I still study after I finishes my run?

Damn tired ley.

Business trip in march to be confirmed. It tmd looks like its going to clash with bday. :((

Maybe better for him so he can spend his bday doing whatever he wants? Haiz.

残念でした！

2012-01-24T14:29:00.000+08:00

I'm utterly bored. The noise from people talking is killing me.what a noisy place to be in. I wanna to home........

2012-01-23T18:03:00.000+08:00

CNY sucks, but kaibin made it all worthwhile.

Yesterday is great, movie was so so but I really like the comfy of the being together, cuddly and him holding me close. *glee*

New dress although bought last minute, but nice leh. Hehehe. Totally no exam mood, want to cuddle cuddly. How come can be so blissful one ah? Hope this last. <3

On a separate note, tmd really too fat. Just finished an awfully chocolate chocolate cake. *burps* too sinful liao!!! I just saw gam zhan gu in the kitchen. Ooo. Looks like smth I'd like for dinner. :/

It's ok if we don't meet today la... Cant be too clingy.. But I don't really want him to be alone. I know how it feels like to feel like something is missing. I probably can't change anything or make things right, but at least I can keep him company. Think positive! :)

2012-01-22T20:00:00.000+08:00

Reunion dinner madness. Seriously, who is not having steamboat for dinner? people are getting lazy huh? i know for sure my sisters are not having steamboat... but everyone in my newsfeed is, he is, my landlady is... And i've been craving for steamboat for the longest time!

just like KTV, it's not something people do alone. *sigh*

new jailbreak for iOS 5.1 is released. Guess what I will be busy with tonight. :)

2012-01-22T00:06:00.000+08:00

Blogging before I sleep. Trying not to be too sticky... Dont message excessively... Dont do things that will upset the calmness of the current bliss... and just do my own things... Be happy when he text me.. Dont ask too much about what he's doing and so on..

I guess that should be the direction for now at least. I know he want to focus on his career and I think it is important to him. I know he can do it, I just know it, so I'll just hang around waiting to get called. hahaha

Tomorrow will be a busy day for me, need to complete my spring cleaning, excessive grooming needs; eyelash, face, nails and etc, and hopefully, there's some time for me to buy my new year clothes. Going chinatown is an unknown on CNY eve huh, hopefully nobody really goes there in the afternoon. otherwise it would be such a chore... After i sort out all these above, i think CNY day 1 den start studying. This year no time to dye hair. hahahaha dont care la, looks the same. :)

One paper down, one more to go; must make full use of the CNY time to study; this paper will definitely be tougher than today's. Meanwhile, I will sleep! hehehe

PS: Today I met an old auntie at the market, I wonder if i will be like her when Im old. Sigh.

2012-01-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

Need to bai bai this year. It will be a rough year ahead. I wonder if this is a good time to be "together"? One year passed so quickly, but this year, it's a different feeling.

Do you believe that the world will end in 2012? Looking at the effects of global warming and what we are doing to earth, I think it is actually plausible. Just look at the number of natural disasters over the last 2 years (not including ponding in sg). Thailand, Japan, Philippines etc. I will not be surprised if we die tomorrow.

But I really hope that if we die, die together sort of thing. Hahaha

2012-01-20T00:58:00.001+08:00

This is a nightmare for all of us. A terrible nightmare.

I just want to wake up from this.

How can things be ok one second and turn for the worse; much worst a second later?

2012-01-19T23:53:00.000+08:00

Is it payback time?

How come i get this feeling like he is getting back at me?

Is this the only way to get even?

Im not in a position to complain.

can only sit and wait. :(

2012-01-19T18:12:00.000+08:00

How can I watch love slip me past and there's nothing I can do to save it?

Tell me what am I supposed to do now... Please... Somebody....

I feel my heart ripping apart.

2012-01-19T17:56:00.001+08:00

I wanna die. I really wanna die.

I rather die than be selfish and try to keep him when he's suffering.

Hahahaha what an irony, 10 yrs ago he wanna die, now it's the reverse. Hahahaha

Karma.

All I want to do now is to go home and drown my sorrows.

But need to go to some stupid dinner, so stupid.

Wanna die Liao still need to work.

Stupid shit.

2012-01-19T17:01:00.000+08:00

I found chocolates. But I ate too quickly and end up feeling sluggish.

Beats being angry at myself?

2012-01-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

I know what he is to me. But I don't know what am I to him.

Maybe I'm just someone he can't let his guard down on.

No mood to work. I wanna go home and hide in my blankets.

2012-01-19T13:34:00.000+08:00

Ive nowhere else to vent my feelings. I'm exploding inside but I have to work.

Well, at least now that I told him about the kiss, theres nothing else left to get anymore backlash from.

The kiss has been bothering me because I think it's despicable to do this to a girl that his close friend likes. Thinking that I will be the 偉大 person, I had decided to keep his indecency to myself; after all, I did pushed him away and told him to stop it that instant. But I should have understood this from that morning, whatever happened that day will all be my fault. It will not be his brother's because we girls are not allowed to underestimate brotherhood.

This time, I'm not going to bore my frens abt it.

They are going to think its a small lovers ' quarrel again.

But I don't know. Is that why I keep getting this feeling that he's holding back something, like he got things to say but don't want to say?

Maybe we r better off as fb, because he seems happier back then. :(

I feel useless. I feel like a trash.

And trash is not allowed to be happy.

Now go back to work, and work your ass off, trash.

2012-01-19T13:19:00.000+08:00

I want to dddddddddddiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee

2012-01-19T12:32:00.000+08:00

SERIOUSLY. Just when things are going back on track; or so I thought, something else insignificant (at least to me) that I don't even remember until he reminds me, comes back to haunt me. AGAIN!

Tmd, I alr said I believe in karma and I totally buy the whole story that I have to cherish what I have, don't cheat, don't betray, don't do things I will regret and just be happy. But this is not enough ah! We still need to punish Yushan more! Punish her until she lose him, until she lose everything! Doesn't matter if she has changed! Doesn't matter if her intention is to go find him! Doesnt matter if she has no intention to show him anything when she pulled her sleeve down! Pulling sleeve down equals wants to bare everything! Means got the intention to show everything! Tmd, I'm damn angry. Angry at whatever god is playing his piece with my life like a bloody terrible game of chess.

But I accept. I know I have done terrible things in the past. That's why it is torturous now. That's why all the karma is coming back to haunt me now. Nothing to pick on since now I'm a different person; so pick on the past loh. I accept. Even if I lose him, I can only resign to fate.

I can only resign to the fate that I hurt too many people in the past, too many hearts broken, too many sins to make up for. So karma is back to find me. But inside these anger and angst, I'm devastated. I'm sad because he's affected by this, I've hurt him again. This is the last thing I want to do you know. I'm trying hard to hold back my tears while trying to work. This hurts so bad because he don't deserve this. He deserves so much better. I don't know if I should still continue to be sticky and 赖着不走。I still think that love is selfless, and if this is the best I can give him, l don't think he should give me a chance at all. Maybe that's what they meant when they say love is selfish.

Maybe its a test of our love, but if it's a test, it's a damn sucky one.

I suck at history, can the questions be on the current affairs please?

So tired. So tired that my life is like a soap opera. 1023 episodes.

2012-01-19T02:05:00.000+08:00

ok, very productive!

paint nails and fu mask in between studies!

i need to iron clothes... just realised that i wont be able to do much studying tmr cos going to Mr Ho's house for CNY. I just realised something; is any eateries open during CNY eve at all? I think there's only McD and fast food. hahahaha GG!

2012-01-18T22:22:00.000+08:00

I dont remember when I'm so happy from nua-ing and just doing nothing.

Although I'm probably going to get it hard from work tomorrow and need to work harder at studying, it's like I'm well recharged for the rest of the day! :)

I never had so much fun just playing diamond dash before. And he's damn haolian to show me his coins. LOL. so cute.

And I'm too paiseh to admit, but i wish he can be my everything. hahaha

Crazy girl. Later he find you too sticky 你就知道。

Ok, time to study le. Remember what you are studying for!

Remember your goals and what you are working so hard for!

Jia you!

2012-01-18T16:51:00.000+08:00

bliss. <3

2012-01-17T21:42:00.000+08:00

new study plan; wake up at 4am to study in starbucks. Plausible?

hmm. gambarimasu!

2012-01-17T19:23:00.000+08:00

Work is making it impossible to go ICA at all. End up skipping lunch and having dinner in the office. But at least it's Thai food. :)

I seriously need to be careful when texting on my Nokia phone now.

Otherwise I will just end up killing all the surprises.

However, with my current plans, don't think I can get galaxy nexus before my plan is up in May.

*sigh* but, most impt is he happy, I will be happy.

Galaxy nexus or not doesn't matter. :)

2012-01-17T12:34:00.000+08:00

现在的我，不能有爱情，就把时间放在工作上吧！

反正做出这个选择，选了他，是我一个人的啊。

2012-01-17T07:49:00.000+08:00

*yawn* a new beginning. It'll be busy at work. But I will try to take time off to make my IC. Damn troublesome. Well, at least I can study or smth earlier tonight.

I realised that things may not stay the same after all.

In the past, I'm juggling time I have between people.

Now that there's only one person, it's like he takes forever to reply and he will never ask me out.

But no! Dont start being clingy Shan!

This is so not you! Haiz.

I'm scared because I always end up losing the ones I love most. That's the irony right?

If u are the one who loves the other person more in the relationship, you're on the losing end? Think too much again... Haiz. 有就有，没有就没有啦！不要再想了！

2012-01-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

不知道你在想什么，今天好像比较静，比较冷淡。

原来这就是所谓的；要失去才学的会怎么珍惜吗？

我一直没有那个勇气说出口，其实很在乎，很怕失去，但也十分高兴，因为你还在。

每样事情都有发生的理由，就像那晚我们会再碰面一样。

我其实在这三天里，领悟了很多。

怎么去爱与珍惜对人生里重要的人，怎么去守护与握紧脆弱的爱情。

我真正的体会到，他为什么对我发那么大的火；他真的是在对我好。

不然我也不会发现我有多么想要保护这段感情。

没有身份地位的爱情，明明就是轻松与开心的，但只要一小小错误，就会错失对方。

如果那天的事没发生，也许我也不会领悟这点吧。

现在的我，周杰伦想要追我都难。:)

今天偶然遇见了个对我超好的朋友。

是她陪我过了我最痛苦的一天。

她一直很好奇的事，到底我发了什么简讯，让他发了那么大的脾气，甚至不要我。

我开了他传给我的两个print screen 给她看，她看了笑翻了，对我说；talk cock only what. 我其实觉得你挺幽默的啊。他很小气leh, 他没听过你tc meh?

终于有人了解我了！哈哈。可是我也明白虽然认识我的旁观者看了大概都会有相同的反应，但因为他喜欢我，所以就算是乱讲，还是对他造成一定的伤害。

现在的我，只能希望他还喜欢我，让时间去冲淡这件事。

晚安了哦。

2012-01-16T03:25:00.000+08:00

The stars are worth missing.

I don't know what is happening but he just appeared out of no where.

I thought I will never get to be in his arms again.

I thought I lost the chance to see that smile again.

Please tell me this isn't a dream when I wake up tomorrow.

Good night.

2012-01-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

Weekend is soon to be over. and I have not studied at all.

It's back to work tomorrow. I wonder how I can do that.

Maybe drowning myself in work can stop me from thinking so much.

How can this be over before it started?

I replayed last afternoon over and over again in my head.

I really have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote that.

At first I was logical and thankful; which I still am; and then I started talking cock. wtf??

Why did I do that for?

Am I really bullshitting you and myself?

Before Taipei, maybe. Taipei taught me to accept myself for who I am and that Im not such an undependable person after all. I dont have to doubt myself so badly or rely on someone's judgement of myself. Although I hate myself because I keep losing things and things doesnt always go the way I want them to or I react in a way that even I myself is irritated by, I convinced myself that there is a better side of the story. I convinced myself that had I lost my wallet on my last day, it would be worst because there will be no time to try and look for it or no money to take transport to the airport or things like that. Actually, I debated with myself a long while over whether I should just grab you along for the trip before selling the tickets away. In a way, I'm glad I didn't. Alone time really make me realise, that beneath the loud, big-mouth and horny me, there is a girl, who just want to protect herself, who closed herself to the outside world because she dont want anyone else to see her, to tarnish her, to judge her, to misunderstand her. She sought to be understood but it was difficult because of how I'm like. That girl loves him. She loves spending time with him, see him smile, all the status, money or what people say doesnt matter. All she needed was his hands to hold her, and his heart that warmed her.

And I broke both their hearts. I love him too, but just a moment of carelessness, when I didnt use my fucking brain, all is lost. All that we look forward to, was gone. How can this be? Because of my thoughtless tc, I hurt him so bad. And now, nothing I can do to make him think that we are not disgusting. Nothing can be said to undo this situation. People always say actions speaks louder than words, why cant you recall that at his place, all I wanted is you? It will be so easy to just stay there you know. Why cant you recall that I told you the situation before anything because I didnt want to lie to you? Why can you only let the messages burn everything we have? The girl who love you, who 相信真爱，who is really just a kid at heart, who stopped hiding or pretending only to you, how can you just leave her like that?

Ok, no negative thoughts Yushan! What are you babbling about? you and the girl, same person. go and die la you disgusting woman.

Now, bring her to the stars one last time, finish crying all you want tonight and no more. OK?

2012-01-15T20:35:00.000+08:00

running in Yishun is a torture.

Decided to skip my normal route so that I will not pass by 110.

so i went round ktph side's reservoir via the park connector we walked home once before and round 600+ to 400+.

There we were, eating fruits at the food court, strolling on the garden above ktph.

By the time I'm back at 300+, the sky is clear, filled with stars.

Even with my poor vision, I could see.

Maybe I will just head down to that spot a little later to just sit and look at the stars.

It's something we once shared that is precious to me.

2012-01-15T17:36:00.000+08:00

ok, going out to collect race kit is a crazy thing to do. what makes me think i'm ok?

that's like over optimistic le ba yushan. end up crying while walking back.

even the shades cant hide that tears that overflowed.

thank god he havent thrown away my earrings though. Although I know it will be mocking me when I eventually get it back because I remembered seeing it on his table in the morning and i told myself it's ok, I will be back to get these anyway. Who knows, god really like to play around and make me a fool.

I bought these pair of earrings for myself after Christmas chalet. Although I was still luan, I really like the comfort when he come by my family chalet, I really like his company and the time together, and at that time when i saw this pair of earrings, I thought, I could bring him everywhere, so whenever I want to share my life with him but he can't be there, I will just wear the earrings. I know this sound stupid but it was special to me just like he is, because it felt like if he were the pair of earrings, he would see things I see; though not straight from the eyes, but the closest as it can be. And when I bought them, I thought, if I cant have him, I have the pair of earrings! It's stupid but it really meant so much to me. Thank god he still have them; it would be too much for me if i lost them both at once.

I think it was just awhile ago that I wrote this here; believe not your eyes, ears or touch; believe in your heart. 为何明明相爱的两个人，会为了一个酱白痴的事分离呢？

Hz said that if he doesn't have any hesitation or interest in wanting me back, it probably means he didn't love me afterall. His text keeps playing and replaying over my mind; I hate you as much as I love you.

Only I would understand that. He loved me alot, that's why this hurts really bad. That's why he hates me now. I of all people, should understand this. And I'm really scared, because if he hates me as much as he loves me and this continues, seriously, I can go and die now already.

Oii oii!! Starve on negative thoughts Yushan!!!

Talking about starve, I havent eaten since last night and I have no appetite for dinner either.

If any sisters' reading this, yes I siam-ed da gujie's lunch and dinner at grans tonight because I really have no appetite for food and I've got swollen eyes. I just want to escape all the questioning that might arise. I'm sorry I'm always the bad example as a big sis.

Weather looks good for a run. Beats staying home all day. Tears can easily pass off as perspiration anyway.

2012-01-15T12:40:00.000+08:00

It's funny how i nvr get to give the chocs last year, the gift from taipei, the food for his mum and a few days ago, i just planned his bday. hahaha

Someone wise said; what you feed on will grow, and what you starve will die.

That hit me and stopped my never-ending tears.

Starve on the negative thoughts and it will die! Starve on the hate and the tears and it will die!

Although starving on love and seeing him for long enough will also die...... but no negative thoughts!

But i will probably be blogging a lot these days; its the only place that i can still be myself without being judged, misunderstood, or asked to shuddafuckup right? The only place where yushan is just yushan, where I can pour my heart out without holding back right?

I wonder if there is anything that I can do to salvage the situation. Cant ask him that now; or he'll ask me to fuck off again. But do I just let it go like this? When you think it is love, do you let it go and dont try to salvage anything and live in regrets?

Or should i put everything on the line to try one more time?

Not now.

2012-01-15T09:32:00.000+08:00

已经早上了。为什么泪还是不停地流呢？

他们不是说泪会流到干的吗？

歌里泪湿的枕头不是晒干就好了吗？

解释也只是在狡辩。

机会错过了，就不会再有第二次。错，这已经是十年后的第二次了。已经不会有下一次了。

为什么明明知道该死心了，是时候放手了，我再做什么也是没用的，我还是想等你回头呢？

你气消过后，还会恨我吗？

我知道你应该不想再见到我，我也不想期待什么。

也许我只是你人生中里一个出现两次的路人甲，可是我好想让你知道，你在我生命里是一个非常特别的男生。

你让我领悟到，其实我也有我的好，在一起的真正定义，快乐与幸福的感觉是超越金钱所能买到的。你是一个，能让我放下一切的人，只要在一起就会开心的人。虽然这个完美故事的残酷结局是自己写的，但我还是希望你能幸福。希望会有一个爱你比我多的好女孩来好好照顾你。

而我，也不想哭到明天双眼还是红肿了。

回忆已经是你给我的最好礼物了。

想你的时候只要闭上眼，就能看到你的笑，你在我身边熟睡的模样，你带我去兜风的时候，我们开心的时候，虽然有好多遗憾，我始终还是想跟你过生活。既然现在这已经变成了我单方面想要的了，我也只有活在回忆里的日子了。

如果在平行时空里，我们真的是在一起的，是幸福的。

那就让我自己去那平行时空吧。

2012-01-15T04:53:00.000+08:00

I just woke up to a terrible nightmare, except that it is real.

This is really karma.

When I've finally decided what I want to do with the rest of my life, it will never happen because of something silly that I did. I didnt even take half the things i said half asleep while dozing seriously. It's not even about the alcohol or... I wouldnt have done anything even if he ask. I guess this is what they call a prank turned tragedy; anything that can go the wrong way, will go the wrong way.

Just when I made him my everything, he thinks that I'm a disgusting piece of crap that fucks around. I hate myself. Just when I'm so sure that this is what I want, I'm being thrown away like trash. I'm a disgusting pisces, a total turn off, bullshit, crap and fucking something. I should shuddafuckup, fuck off and stop disturbing him alr.

Nothing I say could make him believe me. Of cos he wont. He must be disgusted, angry and upset at me. I felt so bad to think that my carelessness cost him to be hurt. I feel like I could die right now for the intense stupidity. I just hope that he will not do what he did the last time and beat himself up with all the casual women.

I'm blogging at this hour because there is no one to turn to anymore, no one. No family, no friends, no men. I just told Aileen and Ceci clique before I sleep of what I've done and that I've finally figured out that I should stop running away. I still proudly boast to Meifong that nothing happened btwn me and random guy that night; although the random guy has everything to do with this happening; whether issit in making up my mind or the current misfortune now. I guess he's right. I deserve it. What can I tell my friends now? That's why I can only cry and blog about it. Nobody ever reads this abandon blog anyway.

He probably will never ever contact me again; he said he hate me as much as he loves me. Me trying to explain too much will only upset the balance now right? After 10 years, an unexpectable way of reunion, an incredible bond and what for the first time, felt closer to love,; now destroyed and burned into ashes because of somethings I said wrong. It wasn't even the thoughts because I wasn't thinking much and falling asleep by that time already! Hahaha. The moral of the story is to not text when u r dozing off. Well, not like I need to keep my phone by my bed anymore. There will be no more messages for me to look forward to.

When he calmed down, can he see that my concious mind talking to hk earlier is still only talking abt him?? Can he see that I told him abt what happened first thing in the morning? Can he see that I'm trying my best so that we can both work the trust issue out?? Can he see that I love him so much? I didnt even get the chance to tell him that this morning; I thought there would be plenty of chances. Now, i lost my last chance in making things right. Ever.

Can't he see the effort that I've put in to try and get this right this time?

Can't he see that I am trying to make things right?

Can't he see that my heart and my everything is his already?

Can't he see the messages in front and figure out the real things from the trashy ones.

Can't he feel the real me till now?

No, he can only see the few trashy messages that I don't mean.

He can only see that I'm a horny and disgusting woman who wants to get laid by his fren.

He can only feel that I broke his trust.

He can only run away because of what it looks on the surface. Because he dun trust me now and it felt like the past relationship.

But why can't he tell that this is different??????????????

I always thought its so comfortable to be with him because he knows and reads me the best. How come he can't feel the real me now? The real me that wants to be together, that was waiting for his message to go over, that kept every single memories between us; even the sand from vietnam.

What I am I going to live for from now on?

It hurts so bad when he ask me to fuck off.

I felt like its the end of my life or something.

There is no chance, no room for other consideration, even when I say I will wait.

You know, since I live on my own, nobody will actually know if I disappear from the face of this earth. Because now, really nobody will care le.

Nobody needs me to change to be better, nobody needs my love.

And nobody will be like him for me, that special him.

2012-01-13T08:18:00.000+08:00

一眨眼，我最討厭的新年又即將來臨。

其實除了該不該給紅包以外，團圓飯沒著落，還是一個人。

我周圍有好多朋友在近期內分手，但對我來說，至少他們還是不是一個人。

而我呢？除夕夜是最寂寞的一晚，仿佛在提醒、在嘲笑我，真的是一個人，連跟家人吃團圓飯的機會都沒有。

真的好想逃年。

2012-01-12T22:05:00.003+08:00

你好嗎
主唱：周杰倫
作曲：周杰倫
填詞：羅宇軒．李汪哲

牆上靜止的鐘是為誰停留
是不是和我一樣賴著不走
你說故事已經結束　
我忘了　向前走
我努力假裝現在過得很好
現在的你看來已不需要我
也許在不同的時空
還牽著　你的手

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊

現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊

現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

也許在不同的時空
還牽著　你的手

____________________________________________

从台北，就反复在听这首歌。但今天的感触特别多。

我真爱虐待自己，做工时一直重播这首歌，忍着泪假装。

本来想喝喝闷酒就没事了，谁知道，加油站回来的路途勾起了太多回忆，不尽哭得超狼狈。

现在的我，连抬起头看星星的勇气都没有。因为会想起你偷看我的样子。

我是那么的好胜，为什么偏偏会死在爱情战场上？

我不敢再错下去了，所以不想再尝试了。

原谅我的自私吧。我有今天，也是自找的。是报应吧。

今天就喝个痛快，睡个好觉！

2012-01-03T01:48:00.001+08:00

fun meh? remove loh.

ignore u liao. bye.

**on a side note, randomness, but maybe we are really not meant to be.

Why am I having doubts? Because of what I see? What I hear? Or... How I feel?

Fk la, I need to work tomorrow and I'm still rushing assignment.

Why get bothered at this time??

ARGH.

2012-01-02T14:49:00.000+08:00

I hate doing projects. This sucks. You suck.

So li hai you do yourself la.

Tolerate Yushan! Tolerate!

*argh*

2012-01-02T09:10:00.000+08:00

His humor is epic. Hahahaha

Wonder what sweater is that. Must be cute.

Actually by choice, I prefer to post my randomness here than fb now. downside is, nobody might be reading it, which then again, might not be a bad thing after all. :)

Time to pia project. Tmr deadline. *yawn*

2012-01-01T12:35:00.000+08:00

In 2012, I want to:

stop being late!
Slim down to 50kg!
Graduate and earn more money!

Going home from town last nite is crazy. There are more ah nehs than ourselves in the train.

But the fireworks is worth it. :) happy new year everyone!

2011-12-31T13:56:00.000+08:00

I'm so otw home to sleep now. Why the hell did I schedule facial on a weekend morning anyway? Had quick lunch after facial and is now hurrying back to sleep.

New year! Time to reflect over what we've done over the last year and pen new resolutions for the coming. I will do it once I wake up. LOL

2011-12-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

電影【那些年，我們一起追的女孩】插曲

主唱：柯震東
作曲：九把刀
填詞：九把刀

寂寞的我　在寂寞的夜　寂寞地想著寂寞的你
寂寞的風　寂寞的雨　寂寞地數著每顆星星
而寂寞的夜　寂寞地泡在咖啡因裡面
輕輕抬頭即看見一輪明月

常常思念　是你的笑顏　揮之不去　是你的笑顏
無法忘記　是你的笑顏　追上的半碗泡面
寂寞的夜　不寂寞的思念

莫名感動想打電話給你　有股衝動想馬上見到你
街上的情侶踏著幸福的節奏　路燈也在歌曲

偷偷看你舉起咖啡酒渦深陷　奶精蜂蜜焦糖撒進心扉
那時刻便不須浸在孤獨的寂寞裡面

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

今天与家人唱K，好久没唱了，肺活力好像退化了。

唱了那些年，电影画面好怀念哦。

大妹唱了以上；寂寞的咖啡因，仿佛在唱着我们的故事。

唱着我偶尔寂寞地數著每顆星星，想着你。

2011-12-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

Shit. he's interested in women.

It's over!! argh.

And being Blood type A, it felt like it's screaming 30 things to stop doing to myself at me. hahaha

*bitter laughter*

2011-12-27T17:07:00.000+08:00

I've reactivated my fb account.

I think I'm missing out on a lot of family happenings and catching up when I'm not on fb.

I think I've pretty much sort out what I want now.

I want nothing.

I'm not ready for love; why pressurize myself into anything?

My family is not ready to accept this either, so why force it down their throat?

At the end of the day, I'm going to break people's heart, cry and hurt like nobody's business and it is still a vicious cycle.

What's the point?

No point.

So, 开心就好。

喜欢，不需要拥有。

拥有，不代表喜欢。

而不是我的，永远都不会是我的。

不曾拥有，何必害怕失去呢？

2011-12-26T11:19:00.001+08:00

This is horrible, I actually have to mug at the chalet.

I dont mind if it is raining, and there's no activities; but now the weather is oh so fine and i need to do my assignment. :((

2011-12-20T19:39:00.000+08:00

I'm so deprived. *hunger look*
I wonder when will I no longer feel this way; wow, saint *halo glowing*

Can't imagine actually. Haha
I just realized that this terms proj and exam is super near! I actually have to submit my main assignment next week le! Wtf!!!

Clearly, people in Ireland has no holiday spirits at all. Assignment due in the week of christmas AND New Year, exams with CNY in between. Argh!

2011-12-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

I wonder how long can I stay away like this.

I want to watch Wicked.

2011-12-18T11:16:00.000+08:00

I'm totally using the excuse of the train stoppage to go school late. Hohoho

2011-12-17T11:08:00.000+08:00

Running in the rain is cool but i think i will fall sick if i do it often.

Ohh Ohh... the lecturer is an interesting woman. Likey.

very engaging. :) Top 3 fav lecturer to date! :)

ok time for class. *focus*

2011-12-16T12:51:00.001+08:00

If I'm not pregnant, I really am way too fat.

But... I'm hungry.

2011-12-16T01:19:00.001+08:00

I've no idea why you can hurt me this way although I've willed myself not to let you affect me like this again. So tell me how to continue with my assignment now I still have 500 more words to go?

I really wonder if we are alike. 忽冷忽热是怎样？了不起啊？喜欢你就可以让你轻易的伤害我啊？

qsb. Back out just because of some stupid random thought. ok loh, bye bye loh.

If you just want to back out because of some random thoughts, I can't stop you.

We are probably wrong about us being made for each other then.

Believe not your eyes, ears or touch; believe in your heart.

Ok great. I've no more mood for assignment, going to sleep. BYE BYE.

2011-12-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

Today is a good day in general.

Good performance reviews, nice Thai food for Christmas lunch and lovely Winnie bought me faceshop gift set for Christmas!

It was a pleasant surprise because I was telling myself that i want to go buy mask to fu while chionging project tonight and wala~! It's like she read my mind.

I hope they liked my Christmas pressies too.

Chatted with my HR manager in a China property on how I dread CNY and how i want to 逃年 this year. She was like yes!! Her too!! So we chat a bit more and found out she's really like me! she likes Thailand too and she's going BKK sometime in Apr! hmmmm... I'll be pretty broke after Christmas, Taipei (and this time i only have my own money to spend), and CNY (if i stay in SG also broke, 逃年 also broke, i prefer the latter). If I'm not that broke then, I want to go BKK too! But BKK is not like Taipei huh, and sadly, I'm not as familiar to BKK as I am to Taipei. I wonder if it is a good idea to be going for a holiday there alone?

ANYWAY, that's still a while from now. I really need to prioritize huh. 1000 more words to go to completion of my assignment. OOSH.

2011-12-15T06:52:00.001+08:00

Ooh! Guess what?

i got A for all my assignments and exam for Project Management!

A+ for exam k... mai siao siao...

hahaha. looking back, i think it's just tyco. i dont even know what i did right to render the A+.

2011-12-15T06:40:00.000+08:00

no horoscope today. well. we sort of see this coming no?

assignment deadline is tomorrow and i'm not half way through.

work sucks.

haha. fml.

2011-12-14T15:49:00.001+08:00

I hate it when people chew nuts loudly when I'm trying to focus. It is nothing but it just pisses me off. A lot.
Work! Damn it! Stop chewing!

2011-12-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

12.13am. no horoscope.

haha Li Yushan.. Wake up your idea!

狂気ですか?!

focus on your assignment!!

*off phone*

2011-12-12T22:21:00.000+08:00

Kaibin boy is coming back tomorrow!

cant wait to see him!

a good alternative to curb my maternal instinct but a painful reminder of my disappointment.

sigh.

2011-12-12T00:43:00.000+08:00

send me daily horoscope everyday please.

it might not be from you, or your angmoh translators.

but I know I'm not alone.

那些年，我们一起追的女孩 - 那些年(胡夏)

2011-12-11T18:43:00.000+08:00

那些年，我们一起追的女孩 - 那些年(胡夏)

又回到最初的起点
记忆中你青涩的脸
我们终于来到了这一天
桌垫下的老照片
无数回忆连结
今天男孩要赴女孩最后的约

又回到最初的起点
呆呆地站在镜子前
笨拙系上红色领带的结
将头发梳成大人模样
穿上一身帅气西装
等会儿见你一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的时光
回到教室座位前后　故意讨你温柔的骂
黑板上排列组合　你舍得解开吗
谁与谁坐他又爱着她

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你　拥抱错过的勇气
曾经想征服全世界
到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你　告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星
平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱着你
紧紧抱着你

------------------------------------------------

刚看完这部戏时，感触真的没比现在感伤。

重复的听着这首歌，泪也不停的飙。

也许在平行时空里，我们真的是在一起的。

是幸福的。

2011-12-06T07:05:00.000+08:00

Isn't it funny how u can't wait to finish your mcmuffin so that you can start on the hashbrown?

Love potato. <3

寂寞寂寞就好

2011-12-04T09:37:00.001+08:00

寂寞寂寞就好

还是原来那个我
不过流掉几公升泪所以变瘦
对着镜子我承诺
迟早我会还这张脸一堆笑容
不算什麽爱错就爱错
早点认错早一点解脱

我寂寞寂寞就好
这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了想到快疯掉
死不了就还好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的借来的都该还掉
我总会把你戒掉

还是原来那个你
是我自己做梦你有改变什麽
再多的爱也没用
每个人有每个人的业障因果
会有什麽什麽都没有
早点看破才看得见以后

我寂寞寂寞就好
这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了想到快疯掉
死不了就还好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的我总会把你戒掉

__________________________________________________________________

死不了就真的还好

习惯就好了阿

Runs

2011-12-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

Just signed up for the Safari Zoo Run 2012. Pretty excited of all these run fads these days; just next alone, I've signed up for Safari Zoo Run (12km) in Feb and Run350 (half marathon) in Apr already. Although you need to pay to run, but if you look at it as really just paying for the race kit, it's actually reasonable priced. The good thing about signing up for runs like this, is that you are actually motivated to run. Since you paid the money already, there is a reason to train and make sure you can complete the run on that day. hahaha

Sigh, one more full day class and I would have cleared the Critical Issues on Industrial Relations and HRM classes. The assignments and exam schedule this time is super tight; quite bullshit. Not helping when the lecturer is really annoying and say things that doesn't really makes sense; I can never agree to his idea that the one day, HR dept will only have 1 person, all other functions like payroll, recruitment and such will be outsourced to external contractors.

Come on, you know this is bullshit. Even if you outsource EVERYTHING, you still need to make sure that you feed these contractors information, and that you check their work. If they made a mistake with the payroll, surely they will have to compensate for the error; but the staff affected will not be pointing fingers at the vendors huh, they will be pointing fingers at YOU. so how can you manage ALL the vendors on your own? Every mistakes they make goes into your appraisal because you are the only HR appraised and all HR problems will be your problem. Having said that, you can be a one-man show if you have less than 50 staff. lol

2011-12-02T10:53:00.000+08:00

I don't know if this is the right decision, but I felt slightly better now, really.
And for the last time, my last feeble attempt to stay away from fb. :)

2011-11-30T18:34:00.000+08:00

This is the second time I'm making this decision, but it seems like it is harder after each time.

How can I forget? Hot can I stop myself from thinking? But what to do? I'm a coward. I'm a coward who don't dare to move forward. A coward who's just scared of myself because I don't trust myself.

FB-less

2011-11-07T16:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like smashing my phone into bits because it refuse to ring regardless of how much I stare at it or will it to. I guess I'm just reaaaalllly bored without FB. hahaha. I should get a life.

2011-11-06T18:30:00.000+08:00

Fresh start. I have no where else to rant after I deactivated my FB account. Yup, my FB.